So, here is the gist of my mid-life crisis (hence the moniker): I'm not going to be immortal. I thought I would have time to try everything, see everything, experience everything. Now I know I won't. Now I realize I have to choose a (very) limited number of things to see, to feel, to be.

(This is a very calm exposition of what for some time now has been, inside my head, more like "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!")

And I'm not independently wealthy, nor ever likely to be, so I have to sip these experiences through the thin straws of "vacation" and "weekend". (Again, Fuck, fuck fuck!)

(So far I have only had the luck of finding one possibly paying thing I loved doing, which was playing music, and then I had the awakening that it would likely never be the way I would make a living... I haven't found another vocation at which I both excel and which I enjoy.)

And I have a deep deep tendency to immediately judge any move toward pleasure as selfish and irrational.

So, when I think "what would I rather be doing right now?"... it's almost always one of two simple things: reading a good book on the shore of a big body of water, having gotten there either by hiking or paddling; or talking about intimate subjects with close friends. (There's food, drink, and shelter implied in both of these scenarios...) And then I think "How selfish, how useless, and how are you going to pay for that?"

[As I was writing this, Orlando the UPS guy just delivered an unexpected gift from a colleague from long ago, the book Get a Hobby! by Tina Barseghian. Quite incredible timing. Larry, thank you!]

Right, because the reason I'm writing this is because it is becoming my focus, my quest: to identify the things I love, and to find ways to do more of them.

I have a few, and they're simple enough and not profound... I love touch, I love sex, I love being with friends (but I value solitude highly as well). I love good food, I love good music. I love sunlight (not directly on me), clean water, crisp air, 67-72 degrees... I love vistas. I love solving problems, when I'm not emotionally attached to the solutions. I love travel, and I love resting from travels. I love being helpful, being of use, but not exhausting myself in the effort. I love learning. I love sleep, but only after I'm so tired that I can't help but embrace it. I love being awake too much to go compliantly to bed at a certain time. I love sailing, paddling, peddling...

It's probably no coincidence that most of these loves are not things for which one can be paid. They are mostly selfish pleasures (see, told you!) for which one needs to pay.

So. How can I make a living, and be happy? Simple questions, right? But first I think I need to get down to figuring out "What makes me truly happy?" I've never really understood how to explore that.

Have you?

-GS